It's 2012 and crappy rap is at an all-time high. I'd like to present an easy-to-follow, must-have kit for all rappers who aspire for their 15 minutes of fame and the number 6 spot on 106 and Park.
Step 1: The Look
Your look says a lot about you. Let's start with the hair. All great rappers (besides Snoop) have a low cut, more than likely a Caesar (light or dark), or even a baldy like B.I.G., Jay-Z, or even 2Pac. Crappy rappers on the other hand have an abundance of hair, lately in the form of Chief Keef braids, or even worse, they still rock cornrows. The power is not in your hair fellas. Sampson died a long time ago. On top of having crappy hair, you may want to dress like you've been styled by Boy George, a la Danny Brown, and you're well on your way.
Step 2: Crappy Name
Give yourself a crappy name. Anything with "Lil", "Mac", "Young", or even worse hyphenating your name, will be enough for people not to take you seriously.
Step 3: Lack Substance
Rap about dumb shit that serves no purpose to anyone's life including your own. Why rap about what's really going on in your world when you can make your world up? You drive a Ford Focus and still write your name on the Orange Juice at home, but tell everybody you have racks on racks, push a Maybach, sell more dope than Frank Lucas, and bang more broads than Wilt Chamberlain. Go ahead and live it up. Fake it til' you make it.
Step 4: Be Cheap
Don't waste money on good shit, be as cheap as possible. Save money that could be used for studio time and record on Garage Band. Don't pay for a graphic designer for your mixtape cover; do it yourself by taking one of your weak Instagram photos, throw it in MS Paint (editors note: we love those!), doctor it up, and voila! Classic crap cover. Next, take your project to the streets. Record your next hit on your camera phone, then take the money you've saved by making this project as least respectable as possible and send it to WorldStar. Then, watch as they label it "Unsigned Hype" and put it next to a video of two pregnant women fighting over a white guy with braids.
Step 5: Lack Talent
Most importantly, just don't have any talent. If you up and decided to rap because you can't find a job, your sports dreams (that should've ended after high school) are over, or because you actually sell dope and want to tell people how real you are, you probably can't rap. No one wants to hear your scribble pad of nursery rhymes you put together in your son's science composition notebook.
In the legendary words of Biggie Smalls, don't be mad, UPS is hiring. Don't quit your day job. Nobody has any interest in hearing your rap about the same stuff established artists already rap about (20 times better than you). Don't take it personal, take it as a life lesson. I'm out like Soulja Boy's career, peace.