Entries in Cocaine (5)
Who better to close out the opening round than a former college student who's claimed to have sold dope (Tity 2 Chainz) and someone who watched his friend sell A LOT of dope? Would Pusha T's keen observation skills (through scribbling in his notepad, he created his life) be enough to get him past 2 Chainz tall tales? Let's unwrap the bricks.
I put myself through the tortue of listening to something called "Codeine Cowboy" and Pusha T's lackluster "Fear Of God". I must say I was thoroughly entertained by some of these songs, especially the one with the hook that goes something like "The dopeman is my muhfuckin' role model!". Of course, Tity Boi, of course.
This was quite the battle throughout because just when it seemed Malice, err, Pusha T was pulling away, 2 Chainz came back with an ode to his favorite in the house, "Kitchen", coincidentally (or maybe not), a song that features the Pusha Man. In just one verse and a hook of work, 2 Chainz put up a game-high 15 (!) dope points on a variety of hustler lines. For a Southern, often incoherent, awful rapper, I must say that is impressive.
In the end, Pusha T's relentless (read: overdone) coke tales were too much for our vision impaired rapper. Pusha averaged a solid 6 points a song, and that was with him, miraculously, not scoring one in his last song ("Money On My Mind" Freestyle). Say what you will about the man, but he is consistent. How else do you think he's managed to be the only person with cornrows still roaming the earth?
Final score: Pusha T 30, 2 Chainz 28.
"No barking from the dog, Pinky just died. See, I done had that dog for a long muhfuckin' time." - 2 Chainz, Man's best friend's best friend.
"Help my young bitch see her way through her Bachelor's; send my old bitch right back to get her Master's, same graduation I was clappin' in the rafters," - Pusha T, HBCU alumni.
For our last first round match-up in the division, we have New York's favorite (only?) Ciroc Boy French Montana stepping into the kitchen to chop it out with the So Raspy general Jadakiss.
More similar than they are not (besides Jada's obvious head-and-shoulders above rapping ability), both of these rappers gave us an entertaining battle full of redi-rock rhetoric. The audio crack of choice was Jada's "The Champ Is Here 3" and French's "Mac and Cheese 2". While both were worthy competitors, only one could move on to the semi-finals, and it would prove to be "the J-A-D-A" (got beef with the feds and the D.A.).
A savvy veteran, Jada's consistency in coke and barrages in boatloads buried French before the Macaroni With The Cheese knew what hit him. Based off (no pun intended) the strength of "Still Hatin'", "All Falls Down", Jada jumped out to a commanding 18 to 9 lead. 'Kiss asserted his experience early, letting the world know he's a "real hustler, probably sold a million and one packs". Get this guy an apron in here!
A true hustler until the end, Herman Munster French Montana didn't go down without moving a few bricks himself, hitting the jackpot on "Buy The Whole Thing" scoring a game-high 9 points and even telling us he pays "45 (thousand) a bird". Seems like he may be getting a raw deal with that price, but hey, what do I know? I flip blogs, not ki's.
At the end of the day (no Cam'ron), Jada's dope has to be weighed with the same scale they used to weigh wales and French Montana's can more or less be weighed on a triple beam. Sometimes you just don't measure up. Final score: Jadakiss 28, French Montana 18.
The opening round of March Crackness got off to a fast start. Philadelphia rapper Neef Buck, a relative unknown with a solid pedigree ("I started off 9 or 10, runnin' with my step pops,"), came out firing in his attempt to upset number one seed and self-proclaimed "Trapper of the Year" (for multiple years), Young Jeezy.
Jeezy got out to a solid start with "Win", scoring 9 points letting everyone know he's turned a "half to a whole in one night." Not to be out trapped, Neef Buck jumped out like gang busters with his track "Boiling Water", racking up 16 points from just about everywhere on the strip. Scales, kitchen sinks, halves, O's, blow, and iPhone dope sales were all mentioned in less than a minute and a half. Neef was a dopeboy on fire.
Perhaps in need of a re-up, Neef put up a paltry 1 point on his next song "We Riders". True to his number 1 seed status, the ever consistent Jeezy put up 7 more points on his track "Slow Grind." No motion like snow motion, baby.
Seeing an opportunity with his opponent's package seemingly running low, Jeezy went full-out Frank Lucas, putting up a heroin coma-inducing 27 points over his next two songs ("How You Want It", "The Real Is Back") to Neef's 16 points. With lines like "said the last niggas served 'em that pretendo, we don't play them type of games, that's Nintendo," Jeezy reminded us why he was a strong favorite. Neef seemed to veer off track, forgetting his dope-slanging roots in favor of raps about Hermes belts and Louis Vuitton shoes on his songs "Louder" and "Baller". Rookie.
Down 10 heading into the last song, Neef knew it would take a strong effort to unseat "Mr. 17.5", and gave it his best (hot)shot with his "Spend It" freestyle. Neef reaffirmed his rightful inclusion in the tournament, including a dope hook ("I'm riding around with chickens") and coke king lines like "that Arm & Hammer family, twist and mix it with candy, over the stove catching everything like Randy (Moss)," scoring 11 points in just one verse. Never rattled, Jeezy put up a solid 8 points of his own in one verse on "Run DMC." Final score: Young Jeezy 51, Neef Buck 44.
"3.5s in them 7's, I'm hand to hand, bitch, I hit that brick with that hammer; the Handyman."- Young Jeezy, Slow Grind
"They was playing football, I was learning to cook raw." - Neef Buck, Louder
I've got to be honest, there was a lot of back-and-forth when trying to come up with the inaugral artist to kick off our Major Label Monday series. Here's how the actual conversation went:
Simon: "Major label Monday...[southern artist who is sure to be on in the future]?"
Theo: "Perhaps, but we have to get a good song,"
Simon: "I'm about to start looking."
Not one minute later.
Simon: "There's always Gunplay from Maybach Music."
Theo: "Gunplay!!! I'm laughing just thinking about that coke stint."
And there you have it. So, enjoy Gunplay's "Bogota", there's a latina with a huge ass walking a horse (creepy Brazzers cameraman not included) and rhymes about cocaine and rims (surprise!).
How lucky are we that a Crapper named Saint Nick would have a song for Kwanzaa Eve about Mother Nature letting loose a batch of Columbia's Finest. There so many Christmas metaphors from Rudolph-nosed fiends to smoking Christmas Trees....Not your grandma's holiday season. Maybe Crappers's New Year's resolutions should be to find a new drug to undersell and overexaggerate via rap sites. To get the full effect of the video, PUHHHH-LLEEAASEEE use the snowflake application at the bottom right of the youtube link.